A Dream Come True

Who knew it would be such a thrill to watch a baby grow. You know, that jolt of excitement that comes when your baby learns something new. It's laughable how such a small thing, like grasping at a rattle can bring congratulatory cheers from proud parents. I took Developmental Psych in college, but nothing prepared me for how fun change can be! I love my little girl and look forward to each day and what new thing she may do, or new sound she might make.

Today we celebrate 3 months outside the womb. I can't believe it! When I was pregnant I dreaded this milestone because I knew the date to start back at work would be looming close. We, however, have decided that the best thing for Eliana is for me to stay at home with her! I'm so glad Jeremy is supportive of this and willing to work the extra hours to make it happen. He's such a wonderful husband! I dreamed, since high school, of being a stay at home mom, never really believing it would happen.

We've crunched the numbers and know this will be difficult, but the benefits outweigh the sacrifices. We are switching to cloth diapers, cutting back on entertainment and strategizing on ways to cut back on other costs. I'm thinking about planting a garden! We are trusting God for the rest.

Two nights ago we woke up to our heater emitting a bad odor and smelled our doom. A new unit would cost us thousands we don't have. A man from our church came out and spent most the day up on our roof fixing what he could (we are so blessed to have a wonderful church family). It did cost us some, but nothing to what it could have. He says we have maybe a year left before we have to buy a new air conditioner/heater (so we have a little time to plan.) We were anxious over the cost of the repairs, but as Jeremy worked on our taxes he realized we would be getting back more than we thought. Praise God for providing.

As Eliana grows, we grow too. Not just as parents, but as children of God, learning to trust in His care and provision. I'm excited to see what the future holds!

Two Months In

Motherhood has treated me well, thus far. While I haven't lost all the weight I gained, I can't complain. Eliana is an amazing baby, she's not fussy, is unaffected by what I eat, sleeps well, and if I may be so bold-the most beautiful little girl! She still spends most of her time sleeping, but during her time awake, she's become more interactive. About 3 weeks ago she started "talking." We love hearing her voice as she coos, goo-goo's and ga-ga's (I didn't realize babies actually make those noises.). She smiles and looks at me with those big eyes that melt my heart. There's debate about her hair color, we think it's red, but we'll have to wait until she gets more.

Eliana had her 2 month appointment two days ago. She's a healthy 12.3 pound, 22 3/4 inch baby, up from 9 1/2 at her one month appointment. I wasn't prepared for her first round of vaccinations, but we pulled through alright; :) Eliana slept most of the day (I guess she needed to recover).

I love being able to be at home with my little girl and am enjoying every moment. Jeremy and I are so blessed! I thank God every day for her.

Eliana's Birth

It’s been almost eight weeks and about time I wrote Eliana’s birth story before the details get fuzzy.

Midway through my third trimester my doctor informed me he did optional inductions at 39 weeks. At that point I thought, “no way,” I want our baby to come when she’s ready. I’d read about pitocin and thought the cons outweighed the pros. Plus I wanted to give birth epidural free and I’d heard pitocin makes contractions worse.

As we neared our due date, Jeremy got a new position at his job with the training starting the week after the baby’s due date. This news, although great, threw a wrench in my plans to wait for Eliana to come on her own. With my mom living far away, there was no one else who could be there to help me out the first couple weeks. Jeremy’s job allows paternity leave, up to 3 months (unpaid) and we had already decided he would take two weeks off before he got the new job.

We asked for advice from friends and family and got opinions from both sides, but after talking to a friend who had an optional induction with the same doctor I decided it was worth talking to my doctor about.

At my 38 week apppointment I asked what the procedure would be like. He told me he places a foley catheter balloon, filled with saline salution, in the cervix to begin dialation. Gravity pulls on the balloon putting pressure on the cervix like the baby would. The balloon would be put in the day before the induction. After having it placed we would await a call from the hospital, where they would hook me up to pitocin. Dr. Newman told me pitocin gets a bad reputation; it basically makes things rough if a woman is not dialated, which is why he does the balloon. He said labor hurts no matter what. :) I decided to go ahead and have him schedule my induction for the following week. I really wanted to have Jeremy around the first couple weeks.

November 2 at 10:20 am I went to my doctor’s office to have him put in the balloon. Jeremy started his leave that day, I’m so thankful he was there. I have to say, having that balloon put in was probably the worst part of the whole induction/birth process. My cervix wasn’t dialated at all, so basically the doctor was forcing it open. I had never felt pain like that before. I almost vomited it was so bad. Jeremy was sitting next to me, holding my hand. He said he’d never seen me sweat so much; like all the pores on my face opened up. It almost got to the point where I called it off. I can’t even describe the discomfort. While I’m glad we induced early, I won’t ever do it again, unless its medically necessary. The nurse told me I would probably have some cramping and some bleeding; I had both. The cramping wasn’t bad, minor compared to the bad menstrual cramps I get. We went home to wait the call from the hospital. We were told it would be sometime around midnight.

I went to bed early, knowing it would probably be a while before I’d sleep again. at 1:45 am the hospital called saying they were ready for me to come in for my induction. Yippee! I started getting dressed ready and Jeremy busted out the video camera to begin chronicaling Eliana’s birth. We left the house at about 2:30 and got to the hospital around 3:00 am. We were shown to an office where we filled out paper work and told an estimate of what our cost would be after insurance was billed.

We were then shown to a tiny room in triage where a nurse checked to see if I had dilated yet. I was at 4 cm! I was pretty excited, in the back of my head I was worried the balloon hadn’t worked and I was in for a rough time. She hooked me up to a monitor to track my contractions and heart rate. She asked if I was feeling the contractions; surprised I said “no.” The nurse placed an IV and got the pitocin and anti-biotics (because I was Strep B positive) running through my system. We were only in that room for about 30 minutes and then escorted to the room where we would be giving birth.

The room was huge! We knew there’d be a TV and DVD player so we brough “Pride and Prejudice;” the long one. :) Once we were settled we popped in the movie and settled back for the wait.

At 8:00 am another nurse came in and checked to see if I’d dialted anymore. I was at 5 cm. She said she would let my doctor know and he’d probably be in soon to break my water. Having your water broken is the weirdest sensation. After that my contractions got a little more painful. I still hadn’t had an epidural. Everytime my nurse came to check on me she asked if I wanted one. “No,” I responded. The contractions didn’t hurt too bad. I’d had period cramps much worse than the contractions. The contractins were, however, painful enough to keep me from sleeping. I’m so glad I had the Bennet girls and Mr. Darcy to keep me company during the long hours.

Jeremy was great! He reminded me to breath and massaged my back during the contractions. All was well. A little before noon the nurse came to check my cerivix. I was still at 5 cm, so she upped the pitocin in my IV. The contractions started getting harder. I was fine for a while, but soon lost my focus. I was tired and before long in tears. I called the nurse on the phone and asked if I could have my epidural.

Once I decided to have it, the wait was almost unbearable. But it wasn’t long until the anesthesiologist came in and started prepping. He told me to hold still and was surprised at how well I did. Can I just say epidurals are amazing! I felt my body relax and I was finally able to get some rest.

At about 3:00 pm the nurse came in to check me again. I was at 10 cm! She asked if I felt the need to push and I said I did feel something. My epidural was wearing off so I could feel a bit of pressure. She said she would come back in 30 minutes to check on me. I sent Jeremy out to the car to get our phone charger, I was about out of batteries and I wanted to make sure I could call and send pictures as soon as the baby was born. As soon as he left I began to think it was a mistake for him to go. The urge to push got stronger. I didn’t call the nurse. I wouldn’t. Not until Jeremy got back. Man, did it take him forever to get back! As soon as he did I told him I needed to push. We called the nurse. She got me ready to do a few practice pushes. Jeremy was on one side and the nurse on the other. The nurse watched the monitor and let me know when to push. Not that I needed her to. The epidural had worn off enough that I could feel the contractions. My body knew when to push. I only needed a few practices pushes before the nurse told me to stop. WHAT! Oh man, waiting for the doctor to get there was worse than the contractions. It took forever! Probably only 5 to 10 minutes, but it felt like hours. Jeremy’s hand got squeezed to death, it was all I could do not to push when those contractions came. The room began to fill with all sorts of people. I was asked if a Med student could come in to observe. I said it was fine. The doctor arrived and sure took his time getting prepped. Finally he was ready. It was such a relief to be able to push. It only took a few, about 30 minutes of pushing before out came our precious little girl. She hardly cried. She was pefect. Eliana was born at 3:48 in the afternoon, 7lb 15 oz. It was such an emotional moment. I was exhausted, but my sweet girl was finally here.

Everything went as well as it could have. I wouldn’t have done things differently. It was so nice to have my husband with me for two weeks as we got adjusted to being a family of three. Eliana is Hebrew for "God has answered," and He has!

Bumpaholic? Not me.

I’ve decided I’m not one of those women who loves being pregnant. I have a friend who recently confessed she wished she could be pregnant for 2 years, she loves it so much. Another lady in church said she wished she could just be pregnant again, not have a baby, she loved feeling pregnant. I read an article months ago (before I was pregnant) about bumpaholics and figured I would be one, since I wanted a baby so bad and we’d been trying for so long. Nope. Didn't happen. It's not that I've had an awful pregnancy; it's been pretty mild compared to some. I had nausea for about 5 weeks of my first trimester, only puked a few times. I don’t have raging hormones, nor do I feel super fantastic. I just feel…normal. Don’t misunderstand, I’m so thankful we are having our little miracle and I love feeling our baby girl move, I just don’t have that “high” or feeling of empowerment I’d read so much about before I got pregnant. I feel guilty. Shouldn’t I feel something extra special, especially since we’ve had such a hard time getting pregnant?

The last few weeks I’ve had a nagging worry, my nails are torn to the quick to prove it. What if I don’t feel that bond a new mother feels when her child is first placed in her arms? I thought I would feel that bond already, while carrying my child, but I don’t. I feel detached, without much desire to talk or sing to my baby. People ask if I spend time talking or reading to her and I never know what to say. I don’t want to respond “no,” they might think I’m a heartless mother. Is this normal? Did you feel this when you were pregnant? I had all these expectations of what it would feel like to be pregnant and I don’t feel any different.

I am excited, however, about meeting our daughter, amidst the worry.

Oh, What’s In a Name?

I’ve seriously been reconsidering naming our baby Rosetta. I’ve been set on the name ever since I saw it on my great grandmother’s head stone (a little creepy maybe?). What a pretty and unique name. It’s perfect, except… “What are you naming your daughter?” “Rosetta.” “Oh, like Rosetta Stone” (said with a twinkle in their eye.). Sigh. “No, like my great grandmother’s name,” I respond, silently thinking (for the 100th time.) I know it’s not a big deal. Rosetta Stone doesn’t have bad connotations; people think they’re being clever. But after hearing it dozens of times, it gets pretty old. Honestly, it makes me kind of mad. It’s not their fault they associate the name with a language learning company. I think it distresses me because my whole life people have confused my name with “Christina.” There’s nothing wrong with the name “Christina,” it’s just not my name. I don’t want my daughter growing up feeling upset when people joke about her name or resentful about our choice of her given name, even though it’s such a pretty name. (FYI, I love my name, I'm not resentful of it, I'm just driven mad when people insist on reading "Christiana" as "Christina".) My inclination is to switch it to her middle name, since it is a family name. I suppose this is why people don’t tell people what they are naming their unborn child, in case they change their mind. What I had picked out for a middle name (I say “I” because Jeremy’s hasn’t given his approval yet) we could switch to her first name. It has more spiritual significance and it’s still unique. I shouldn’t tell you what it is, in case I change my mind. Oh well, who cares. Eliana. I found it while searching for Biblical names online. Eliana is Hebrew for “God has responded/answered.” Given our difficulties conceiving, there couldn’t be a more appropriate name. We prayed for a child, many others prayed for us. Although we did do IVF, I firmly believe prayers were what made the first IVF cycle a success. Our child will be dedicated to God, why not honor Him with her name as well. Jeremy is pretty easy going, so I think if I make up my mind to change her name to Eliana he’ll probably agree.

Growing!

(The above picture is profile of Rosetta at 18 weeks)

I just looked at my last post and realized it’s been a month and a half since an update! So much has happened. We’ve had two OB visits, everything is fine. My doctor has commented on my weight gain, but not negatively, just that I’m gaining. He says I’m boring, because everything is going like it should. Needless to say, I’m glad I’m a boring patient. I am now 22 weeks and 2 days, so over half way! I can’t believe how fast, and yet how slow, it’s going. I wrote last time about feeling Rosetta move; the movements have been getting stronger and sometimes a bit painful. She’ll occasionally hit my bladder and that brings a sharp pain. Jeremy had been anticipating when he would feel the baby move and at week 21 he felt her move. I spent the evening asking, “There, did you feel her?” to which he responded, “no.” I was disappointed for him and kept saying little prayers that Rosetta would kick hard enough for him to feel. A little while later I felt her kick as well as saw my stomach move; I called Jeremy over and placed his had on the spot. Sure enough, he felt her move! I love the little bahbloops. I can tell she has a sleeping pattern going on. There are certain times of the day where she is active and other times I feel nothing.

My weekly e-mail updates from The Bump state that during this month of pregnancy, which I think is 6th month; our baby is about the size of a papaya and weighing in around a pound. She’s growing and so am I. I was so proud of myself on my weight gain, at week 20 I had gained 13 pounds which seemed good at the half way point. Then I weighed myself this week and I had gained 4 pounds in one week! Yikes! We ate out a lot which could account for some of it. Mom thinks it might be water weight from eating out and getting extra sodium. I’m being extra careful this week, lots of fruit, low fat dairy and lean meat.

I haven’t had any strange cravings, and thankfully none for chocolate or sweets. My gag reflex is still very sensitive and this week for some reason I’ve had some nausea again. It feels different than before; it will come on suddenly and then be gone a few moments later. On the whole though, I feel really good. When my back aches or my heartburn acts up I remind myself how blessed I am and that its worth it!

The Pregnancy Catastrophe!

My pregnancy catastrophe; I am calling it the sneeze n’ pee. I didn’t think these sort of things happened until later, but I guess I was wrong. Who thought that once you were pregnant you would have to be stocked up on panty-liners. I think I will start carrying a little emergency pack in my purse.

Tuesday marked 16 weeks and I’m pretty sure I felt some movement. I know it wasn’t gas or a muscle twitch; although it didn’t feel like I’ve heard it described, fluttering. I can only describe it as a bahbloop feeling, kind of like a frog jumping off the inside of my stomach. I was lying on the couch, praying that God would relieve my terrible headache and there it was; the bahbloop. I texted Jeremy right away, I was so excited! Jeremy now calls Rosetta his little bahbloop, how cute!

I’ve read that the best position to sleep is on your side, especially the left side (it helps blood flow). No problem! I’ve been a side sleeper for a long time; that is, until recently. Sleeping on your back can restrict blood flow throughout your body and blood getting to the baby, so it’s important to avoid lying on your back. I’ve never been a back sleeper; it’s always been uncomfortable, causing my tongue to fall back in my throat and me to snore. Guess who now thinks back sleeping is the most comfortable position. You guessed it. Me. It’s like how that piece of candy you’re not supposed to have looks so delicious. Because I’m not supposed to sleep on my back, it’s the most appealing position for nighttime snoozing. I’m going to get a body pillow. Rumor has it a body pillow makes sleeping on your side much more comfortable.

Rosetta is now the size of an avocado! An avocado! She’s getting big. My belly is definitely sticking out more (thank you cousin Stephanie for loaning me your maternity clothes) and I’ve been “faithfully” gaining about a pound a week. This is getting more and more exciting. I’m glad I’m showing a bit now. We are meeting up with my parents and sister, and her husband, for vacation in June and it’ll be fun to have a little belly. Sometimes I just feel fat, but Jeremy is consistent in telling me I look beautiful. He loves to give me a hug and say he’s giving his two best girls a hug. Who ever thought Jeremy could be such a softie! I can’t wait to see what he’s like once Rosetta is here.

Our next OB appointment is June 5. At that point I think I will be scheduling my 18-20 week ultra sound. I’m looking forward to seeing how much Rosetta has grown and changed. I’ve read about all the changes she’s going through, beginning to make facial expressions, growing hair and nails, her bones are hardening too. It’s amazing how quickly she’s grown from a tiny 6 cell embryo.

We're having a...

I was caught off guard by a terrible cold, sorry for the delay in this post. We had our appointment last Thursday, and everything looks perfect! I got the results back Monday, on a blood test and everything came back negative for birth defects. Our next appointment with our OB is this Friday. I think it's just a regular check up, to make sure everything is progressing like it should. I'm feeling much better and am so proud of myself, I planned this week's menu and have been able to do some cooking. I'm sure Jeremy is silently celebrating, although he never complained at the lack of home cooked meals.

Oh, we are having a girl! I think most readers are on facebook and saw the announcement there. We are naming her Rosetta; we haven't decided on a middle name yet. I decided way back before college (and before I met Jeremy) that if I ever had a girl I would name her Rosetta. It was my great grandmother's name and I've always liked it. Luckily Jeremy likes it too; his grandmother's name was Rosalie and my sister-in-law's middle name is Rose. There is a possibility of error (although they are 99% sure she's a girl), since I'm only 13 weeks, needless to say we won't be purchasing any pink or purple until Rosetta is confirmed a girl at 20 weeks. I was worried I'd feel disappointed if we were having a girl first, instead of a boy; but I don't think it's possible to feel anything buy joy when you see your tiny baby. Jeremy and I talked about it afterwards, both of us are overjoyed about having a girl. There's no way even an inkling of disappointment could creep in. When the baby is part of you...sigh. I can't even explain it. We are excited! Jeremy is already imagining how he can torture the boys our daughter will bring home.

It's sure nice to be able to call our baby by name.:)

The Belly Rub

I meant to write yesterday to commemorate the end of my first trimester, but time got away from me. Today I am now 12 weeks and 1 day and it's with a sigh of relief I greet the second trimester. The chances of miscarriage have dramatically decreased, those niggling fears can finally be put to rest...maybe. :) I still feel some nausea, but it has lessened, thankfully.

Our next milestone is finding out the gender of CJ, which probably will be tomorrow, Thursday. We are going in for a test, Nuchal Translucency. This is a test done by ultra sound, and they can give us an idea on the baby's gender. It's not 100% accurate because the genitals have not fully developed; needless to say I will not start buying blue or pink until the gender is confirmed at 20 weeks. :) For those who are wondering what the nuchal translucency test is:

"This prenatal test (also called the NT or nuchal fold scan) can help your healthcare practitioner assess your baby's risk of having Down syndrome (DS) and some other chromosomal abnormalities as well as major congenital heart problems.

The NT test uses ultrasound to measure the clear (translucent) space in the tissue at the back of your developing baby's neck. Babies with abnormalities tend to accumulate more fluid at the back of their neck during the first trimester, causing this clear space to be larger than average." (babycenter.com)

I've always wondered why pregnant ladies rub their bellies; the reasons are probably different for everyone but I've started to think about it more as I find myself doing the belly rub. For me its an intimacy thing; it's the closest I can get to touching my baby. Maybe it's part of the bonding process. My reasons may change later, but for now, it's "hey baby, I know you're in there, I can't feel you or see you, but I love you."

One last thing. At our appointment tomorrow, we should be getting a 3D ultra sound, make sure to check back so you can see our cutie-patootie. ;)

Fingernails!

All sorts of plans are forming in my head. What colors should we paint the nursery for a boy or girl; what decorations, how to get the best deals on furniture and other baby necessities, etc. My most recent idea for decorating is Teddy Bears, for a while I wanted a Peter Rabbit theme (Beatrix Potter) but I think I like the teddy bear idea better. I ordered the cutest bear yesterday, the first thing I’ve bought for the baby. It’s a bear designed by the artist by Jim Shore, with Noah Ark on the belly. Amazon said it was the last one they had so of course I had to order it right away!

We decided on names for a boy or girl before we even became pregnant, Samuel or Rosetta but middle names are still up in the air.

We had our first OB appointment this past Friday. The doctor was recommended by a friend from church and we really liked him. He’s funny and creates a relaxing environment. A few things I liked,the doctors at the practice don’t share patients, which means my OB, Dr. Newman, will most likely be delivering my baby; he does 95% of his patients’ deliveries. Dr. Newman also made it clear he doesn’t do terminations; I had been hoping to find a doctor who didn’t. We didn’t hear the heart beat, but we did get a new ultra sound picture. Oh! We also got to see baby CJ move! It was incredible and made it all seem more real. Dr. Newman also informed us that because CJ is the appropriate size and has a good heartbeat, our risk of miscarriage is about %1, even though I’m still in the first trimester. You can imagine what a relief it was to hear that; I’d been counting down the weeks to the end of the first trimester (2 to go!)

I get e-mail updates every week about the baby and the new growth and development. As of yesterday I am 10 weeks. CJ’s ears are developed so he can hear my voice; he's about the size of a shrimp, or a thumb, with the head being more than half the body size. The baby is even growing finger nails; can you believe it! So small yet already getting fingernails! God’s meticulous attention to detail is astounding.

The past few days have been really good for me, my morning sickness seems to be abating (yippee!), but I am still very fatigued. I usually start falling asleep on the couch around 8:30 at night. I had been determined to enjoy ever aspect of pregnancy, but honestly, morning sickness cannot be enjoyed. Women seem to enjoy sharing their stories of morning sickness, how long it lasted, “I had morning sickness the whole pregnancy,” or “I was so sick the first 7 months.” I smile politely but think, “please don’t tell me that, I can’t imagine being sick for that long.” However, despite the ickiness, God has blessed us immensely and I try hard to not complain (too loudly) :).

Our Lil' Raspberry!

I have already run into a dilemma about eating healthy. Most days I feel nauseous therefore I don’t feel like eating, so if something sounds good I usually eat it. Monday morning I felt terrible and as I drove through Starbucks to get some peppermint tea, I saw a picture of their sausage and egg sandwich; it looked good so I ordered it. My stomach liked it and I felt really good most of the day. Over the weekend I consumed two boxes of macaroni and cheese, because the thought of eating anything else made me want to gag. I had gained a pound last week, but when I weighed myself this morning I had lost a pound. I guess even though I eat whatever appeals to me, I’m still not consuming too many calories. One thing I did learn from my Monday Starbucks sandwich is that if I force myself to eat protein (usually a home made egg sandwich) for breakfast my morning sickness is minimal and if I take my prenatal vitamin at night, I feel even better. I am ready to be done with the first trimester, my pants are already feeling tighter (I guess from bloating) and I feel fat. I want to “look” pregnant so I don’t feel fat. :)

We’ve been reading “Your Pregnancy, Week by Week” and have enjoyed learning about the things going on in my body and with baby CJ. As of yesterday I am 8 weeks and the drawing of an 8 week fetus looks cuter and more human (instead of alien). CJ is about the size of a raspberry now, growing about a millimeter a day, with tiny webbed hands and feet. Check out the link below to live videos of babies as they grow in the womb; it’s incredible!

We have our first appointment with an obstetrician April 9th. Jeremy is off that day so we can both go and we’re hoping we’ll have another ultra sound. With the baby growing so fast I’m excited to see how much CJ has grown since our first ultra sound March 26th. I can’t begin to describe how excited Jeremy is. After being so nervous and fearful about even trying to conceive two and a half years ago, he’s a different person. I guess there’s no point in being scared after baby is on the way

Baby's First Picture

Technically it's the second (we have a picture of the embryo) but we don't know which embryo is the actual one that implanted. So here is the first official picture of baby CJ. You can say it, he/she looks like a blob, hehehe. It was the most amazing thing to see that tiny heart beating away, so fast. It's almost incomprehensible to think there is another heart beating inside my body, besides my own. Let me just say, growing a baby is tiring work. I just want to sleep and when I'm awake I don't have energy to do much. I'm not complaining though, it's a good excuse to justify a nap. :)

I still have "all day" sickness. No throwing up, thankfully. It's such an anomaly for me to know I need to eat but not want to. Chewing gum is working well today at keeping my stomach settled, otherwise sucking on hard candy works too. If I can get at least 10 hours of sleep at night, I tend to feel less sick during the day.

We are thrilled to say the least; but we both will be glad to put this first trimester behind us and with it the higher risk of miscarriage. Our days and nights are filled with prayers, hopes and dreams as we excitedly imagine what are child will be like.

The Snack that Smiles Back, Goldfish.

If I were to start investing in specific stocks, my first choice would be Sprite Zero. I like it anyway, but with an unsettled stomach it helps me through the day, enabling me to eat. The mere thought of food causes my stomach to churn. Most things are repulsive, but the last few days I’ve feasted on Goldfish crackers. Today, however the idea of eating those crackers makes me feel ill. Cream cheese has been the only appealing thing this morning but I guess it’s not really a food; and definitely not healthy. Bummer.

I had a scare yesterday. After using the restroom I noticed I was bleeding. You can imagine the panic that welled up inside at the sight of red. I called my doctor, talked to the nurse who attempted to reassure me that it’s common for women taking the medicine I am to bleed. She talked to the doctor and he wasn’t too worried. Because I’m only 6 weeks pregnant, it would be too early to see a heart beat during an ultra sound. I contacted a few close friends and my mom, requesting prayer. God’s come through, as He always does. I haven’t seen any fresh blood today, but more importantly God has eased my anxiety. We have our appointment next Friday for the ultra sound, so until then we will continue to pray and trust that God is in control.

You may not believe it, but I already feel like my pants are not fitting as well as they did. While I haven’t gained any weight, I feel “bloated” and jeans are just not comfy anymore. As soon as I get home from work I change into my lounge/pj pants. :) I am pretty excited about purchasing new clothes, even if they are maternity.

"Be patient, be patient, don't be in such a hurry..."

"Be patient, be patient, don't be in such a hurry. When you get impatient you always start to worry." Do you know that song? I think it was off the record of "Bullfrogs and Butterflies." It's my new theme song for the next few months. :D

Up until today it’s been an uneventful pregnancy. I haven’t felt any different. Oh, maybe a bit of dizziness here, or a few cramps; but not like I expected. Today, one day shy of week 6, I started to feel yucky. Nothing major, yet. It did take some effort to make myself lunch and I haven’t been snacking like I usually do; but I haven’t had to make any special trips to the restroom and for that I’m thankful.

Just like I determined not to be bridezilla during wedding planning, I’m committed to reminding myself that I am not eating for two. It’s a misconception a lot of women have when they are pregnant that they are eating for two and end up gaining too much weight (you’re eating for two when you’re breastfeeding). It’s a great reason to justify extra food, and I love food, but I won’t do it. Well, I guess we’ll see. Haha! I did research on the healthy amount of weight gain during pregnancy (about 3 pounds the first trimester), weighed myself last week and again this week and so far haven’t gained anything. Yay! I try to snack healthy; fruits, veggies, good proteins and not a lot of sweets. Pregnancy brings with it cravings for a lot of women, I hope mine isn’t chocolate.

I had thought the waiting was over after finding out we were pregnant. Alas, life brings with it a lot of waiting. Good things come to those who wait right. ;) I had to wait until 3:00 PM today to get the results of my second blood test. I wasn’t as anxious as last week; but little bits of doubt found their way into my mind. What if my hormone level hasn’t increased like it should? No need to worry. Kori (IVF coordinator) called and told me they look for the HCG level to be at least 1,000, mine was (as of last Friday) 6,798! I was shocked. I asked if because of the high number we were having twins. Kori wouldn’t give me a definitive answer; “It’s a possibility, but a lot can happen between now and when you have your ultra sound.” So the waiting continues. :) Our ultra sound is on the 26 of this month. And you know, once we see tiny 8 week old baby CJ (until we know if we’re having a girl or boy we’re calling the baby CJ, or if there’s two I guess it’ll be Baby C and Baby J), we’ll be counting down the days until the first trimester is over. Then, we’ll be waiting to find what gender we’re having. I want to enjoy the ride, so I’m taking Paul’s advice and learning to be content no matter the circumstances (or how much waiting I have to do). :)

Worth the Buck

Yesterday: “Jeremy, please ease off the breaks more gently (in traffic), it’s making me sick.” Hmmm, maybe it’s a sign? “Man, I feel really dizzy.” Could it be? Jeremy came to bed around 1:30 am; it woke me up. He tossed and turned a bit to get comfortable. Let me just say, every time he moved I felt so sick. He’s settle in and I’d start to feel better, and then he’d move again. I was sure I would throw up any second. “Come on Jeremy, stop moving!” It was the first time in my life I had an inkling of happiness over feeling sick to my stomach (my greatest fear is throwing up.)

You know that sick feeling you get when you’re really nervous before a test, or when you wake up early after not getting enough sleep? That’s what I’ve been feeling all day; waiting for the fateful call. I could hardly eat or focus on anything. I asked Jeremy if he was nervous, but he said he just wasn’t thinking about it. What?! How could he just not think about it? That’s ALL I could think about. The nurse asked who they should call with the results and I said Jeremy. I was still determined to not get the results until after I got off work at 4:30pm. She told me the results would be in at 1:30pm and I figured it wouldn’t be such a long wait, from 1:30 to 4:30. Ha! How wrong I was. As 1:00 pm hit I was looking at the clock every 2 minutes. I texted Jeremy “Did they call yet?” “No, not yet.” I was in conversation with a co worker when I felt my phone vibrate at about 1:30pm. Oh my, I knew it was Jeremy. Did I want to know then? After no response from me he called and asked if I wanted to know the results. My response “Do I want to know?” He laughed; I knew that was a good sign so I said I did. For those whose phone numbers I don’t have (for the mass text I sent out) here are the results of our blood test today. (Like how I made you wait until the end of the paragraph? I’m sure you figured it out by now.) The test came back positive! My HCG level was at 226. The IVF coordinator told Jeremy they like to see it at 100, so my number was great! It sill wasn’t high enough for them to know for sure if we’re having twins; so we will have to wait until we go in for the ultra sound in a couple weeks. We are elated! I can’t wait to get home to celebrate!

I do have a confession; I took a home pregnancy test Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. Peer pressure won over (you know who you are) and I went to the Dollar Tree to pick up a couple cheap tests (I didn’t want to spend $15 only to get a negative). Jeremy urged me to take one Tuesday night, even though I told him it would probably be negative (it’s best to take the HPT in the morning). I didn’t pay attention, but as he watched, “I think there’s a little something trying to come through.” “Whatever Jeremy, it’s probably just an evaporation line.” I looked. Nope, it was definitely a pink line. Well, it’s just a cheap test, could be a false positive. I took the second one Wednesday morning and there they were again, those two little pink lines, this time darker. Could this be it! I’d never seen those two lines side by side before. We decided we wouldn’t get our hopes up until the official blood test today. We did tell our parents, however, both sets were skeptical and refused to get too excited until we got the official results (We told our siblings too). I Guess HPT’s from the Dollar Tree are worth the buck!

The most important thing is we want to give all the glory to God for this miracle! He has gifted doctors so they could help us. I am sure without all of your prayers this wouldn't be happening. We have felt so loved and supported. I had few side effects from the meds and I'm certain the prayers helped.

I would like to continue this blog to record our journey through pregnancy. So if you'd like to, we'd love you to stick around. :)

The Death of a Bumble Bee

Yep, progesterone definitely makes me more emotional. I got teary eyed over a struggling bumble bee. He was lying on his back, his little legs barely moving, I turned him over, but I’m sure he was in his last minutes of life. I cried over the story, during the Olympics, about the sled dog that was blind, but still loved to run. Against advice her owners didn’t put her down and she still runs with the other sled dogs. I really cried when I served my husband left-over’s for dinner; even though it was spaghetti, with meat balls, which he loves and said he wanted for dinner. It seems anything can set me off; recovery, however, is quick.

My mother asked me a question about the hormone I’m injecting, progesterone. How will they be able to tell if I’m really pregnant when I have this pregnancy hormone pumping through my system? I hadn’t really thought about it; surely the test would come out positive no matter what with the artificial input of the hormone. In case any of you were wondering the same thing, here’s what I found out. My good friend, Ruth, who is on a similar path, clarified it for me. When they draw the blood, they don’t look for the progesterone hormone; they look for HCG, another pregnancy hormone. I don’t know how they tell the difference; but they can. Question answered mom!

It’s a struggle already for me to give some things up; mostly control. I am not supposed to lift anything very heavy. I shouldn’t have been doing it before this, but if I needed to I could. For those that saw my Facebook status yesterday; I went to the grocery store to purchase more dog food, the bigger bags are a better deal so naturally that’s what I chose. The lovely lady at the check out helped me lift the bag; then asked if I would like assistance to my car. Crucial moment, I knew I could lift it, but knew I shouldn’t. After a moment’s hesitation I conceded. The young guy was happy to help and it’s a good thing I was asked if I needed assistance, because I probably wouldn’t have asked for it. Of course I waited until Jeremy arrived home so he could remove it from the car.

Another thing given up, caffeine, which means chocolate. The percentage of miscarriages for women who consume caffeine is higher. Sacrifice for a good cause, but man do I miss chocolate. I crave it even more now that I shouldn’t eat it; brownies, yummy chocolaty Starbucks drinks, hot cocoa, Girl Scout cookies. I guess its good it’s the Lenten season, it’ll give me double motivation to avoid the smooth, rich taste of chocolate. Sigh…

One week from today we will find out if this first attempt worked. I’m determined to have the doctor’s office call Jeremy with the results, who will then tell me after I get off work. He doesn’t work next Thursday and I do. Whatever the news, I don’t want to be at work to receive it. If it’s positive, I want to share the news with family and close friends first; if negative I’m sure the rest of my day will dissolve in tears. We shall see if my resolve holds strong when Thursday rolls around.

And Then There Were Two

Somewhat disappointing news today, of our 8 embryos, only 2 made it to the blastocyst stage. The other 6 stopped dividing. My heart broke a little, thinking of the little Kirkhams that will never be. However, I had been praying that God would be in control of the whole situation; we were a bit worried when we had 10 embryos. God gave me a peace about that; I know He's got it all worked out. That being said, we are especially hoping that both these embryos implant for twins. :)

I barely made it through my 3 days of bed rest. It was almost more than I could stand to sit back and let Jeremy be in charge. :) He did a great job keeping me off my feet, and getting me anything I needed. I'm so blessed to have him. He even took off half a day on Monday, because he was worried I would try to do too much. (I felt fine so I probably would have, the dishes were piling up.)

The progesterone meds I've been taking have been affecting me more than any of the other meds. For those that know me best, they may have picked up on the fact that I do not accept criticism very well (to say the least). Ask my mom, or better yet, any of my old piano teachers. I can get pretty spiteful. I got some constructive criticism today at work and it was almost more than I could handle. I wanted to cry out of frustration and quit right then. :) I kept my head (barely) and didn't quit. Last night I was in tears over one of the stories they were sharing about a possible Olympian. Oh well, it'll probably get worse.

Another day down; another day closer to March 4. It's going to be a long week!

T-Day

Get it. T-Day: Transfer Day. Like D-Day! :)

I feel like we're at the end of a journey; although it's not so. This attempt might not work. If it does work then I go through the different stages of pregnancy, birthing pains and then once the baby arrives, raising a child. So really, it's just the beginning of the journey, or maybe the continuation from a small road, to a larger one.

I went into the doctor's office with a full bladder this morning, instructed to drink 30 oz of liquid an hour before I went in. The transfer goes more smoothly if your bladder is full. We sat in the waiting room for about 30 minutes and then were taken back to the doctor's office to go over some paper work, sign a few things, decide on how many embryos to transfer, and see pictures of our little embryos. What a neat thing to see those tiny embryos dividing. We have a few embryos that had 10 cells, some with 9 and 8 and a few with less. The doctor pointed out which were the best, because of how the cells were dividing. We even got to keep the pictures (which I will post).

We were then escorted to the procedure room, they did an ultra sound to make sure my bladder was full enough. My cervix was cleaned (a somewhat uncomfortable procedure, but no more so than a woman's yearly procedure.) After the cleaning, the nurse called on a walkie-talkie to have the two embryos brought in. They came in a long, skinny straw; I couldn't see what they did, but I didn't feel anything. We then got to see the embryos inside my uterus, on the ultra sound screen; it was pretty amazing. I was told to lay for another 10 minutes, still with a full bladder. A nurse came in a bit later, with a bed pan. I have to admit that was probably the worst and most uncomfortable thing I've had to go through; peeing in a bed pan. It was like having to get past a mind block to use something other than a toilet. :)

I had to continue laying down for another hour and then was wheeled out to our car. It's a nice rainy day, perfect for my bed ridden state. I am, however, allowed to get up to use the restroom and shower. I don't get to go to church though, or Jeremy's softball game. :(

I go in on March 4 for a blood test to find out if the embryo(s) implanted. Until then, I continue taking two different pills and daily progesterone shots.

The waiting begins. :)

Embryo Transfer Eve

House clean-check; groceries bought-check; dogs bathed-check; dishes washed-check; laundry clean and put away-in process. I spent my day getting done everything I needed to get done before tomorrow. We are going ahead with the embryo transfer tomorrow at 8:30 AM (MST); after it's all over I'm to be on bed rest for 3 days! I don't know what I'm going to do with all that time I need to be resting. Watch some Olympics, or maybe read a few good books.

I received the call from the doctor's office, informing us that we now have 10 embryos that are dividing instead of 9. Haha, and we thought the number would be lower. All our embryos are grade B (embryos are rated "A" best, to "D," worst), Here's the cell count in each embryo: 3 embryos at 2 cells, 2 embryos at 3 cells, 1 embryo at 4 cells and 4 embryos at 5 cells. These are all good. I'm supposing that the two embryos we transfer will be ones with more cells.

I'm not feeling as nervous about tomorrow as I felt about the egg retrieval. The retrieval was more invasive, tomorrow's procedure doesn't require anesthesia and Jeremy gets to be in there with me! Maybe I can get a few pictures of our embryos!

Fertilization Day 1

16 eggs retrieved, 14 of which were mature. Of those 14, 9 were fertilized normally; 3 were abnormal and 2 did not fertilize. I like the number 9. It gives us a good number to work with as some may not develop further. We will get a call tomorrow informing us how the 9 fertilized egg cells are dividing. Jeremy is praying for the number 6, I'm hoping for the number 8. :) We will transfer 2 embryos, hopefully on fertilization day 3 (it could be day 5 depending on how the embryos look), leaving us with some for cryopreservation.

Thankfully, one of the many pills I am taking, helps me sleep (a possible side effect is insomnia, but it seems to affect me the opposite), so I'm not awake all night what's going on with our embryos.

We are getting really excited, and nervous of course!