If

"Well, it looks like you are about ready;" my stomach dropped and my heart seemed to stop beating. That was yesterday. Today I feel like I'm living someone else's life. I can't believe I followed through with all the appointments and shots. This is something you hear other people going through, not something you go through.

The egg retrieval is tomorrow (Wednesday); I go in at 6:45 am, put under general anesthesia and using ultrasounds, a catheter and who knows what else, to have all mature eggs taken out. They want the follicles to measure 20 mm. I had one 20mm, one 19.5 mm and a couple measuring 18 mm yesterday. I don't remember the other numbers but we're hoping by tomorrow there will be at least 10 mature follicles (we want extra embryos to freeze for use later). I'm ready for these eggs to be out, my ovaries feel huge and hurt. It's uncomfortable to sit, to get up from sitting, to stand, to walk; I'm sure it looks humorous to watch me try to go about my day. I gave myself the last stimulation shot (Follistim) and ovulation preventative shot (Ganarelix) yesterday morning. Last night, at 8:00 pm, I had my trigger shot. Mom was in town so she helped coach Jeremy through giving it to me. I could have given it to myself but it was good practice, he has to give me my progesterone shot after the embryo transfer. He did great, it took a few seconds for him to push the needle through the skin, but luckily the needle was short so it didn't hurt. :)

The embryo transfer will be Saturday. After the transfer I'm to be on bed rest for two days, so I will have to take next Monday off. Two weeks from the egg retrieval I go in for a blood test to verify pregnancy. Jeremy put it best, "I guess we won't be sleeping for two weeks."

I'm so thankful that I had minimal reactions to the medicines, so far. My stomach is bruised and covered in little red dots, but other than that, the medicines hardly affected me.

Mom looked on her calendar to see what the due date for the baby(ies) would be if this works, November 11th is her estimate. I think she's hoping it will be on the 15th for her birthday. :)

We say "if" it works, because it's possible it won't. I can't bare to think about what it will be like if an egg doesn't attach. I've never hoped for something more.

Stimulation Day 5

Emotional break down number 1: I knocked over my glass (it was sitting on the floor) of Sprite Zero, the glass broke and my soda spilled all over the floor. I started to cry; I felt foolish and like a child, but I couldn’t help it. I don’t think my tears were completely unreasonable, however, because not an hour earlier the dogs knocked over my first glass of Sprite. I had already cleaned the floor once of the sticky mess; two times was just too much. There you have it, first break down on stimulation day 4, not so bad.

I began my second shot today. This one was a little scarier because it’s an actual syringe; it hurt a little more. I don’t know if this hormone will make me loopier or not, I’ll let you know. :)

My doctor's appointment went well this morning. I had some blood drawn and another ultra sound. My follicles look like they should, some are larger than others, but she said that was normal. I asked for an estimated day for the egg retrieval, and while it’s still too early to know for sure, she said Tuesday or Wednesday. I go again on Friday and we should get a better idea of a date. Three days after they retrieve the eggs and fertilize them they will transfer two embryos. That means probably by next Friday or Saturday!

Because my ovaries are going to get bigger as my follicles mature I’m not supposed to run. (Woah! Just had a weird dizzy spell, must be from the new medicine) Part of me is excited at these instructions to not exercise, while another part (albeit a small part) is disappointed because I’ve been trying to get back into running. My ovaries will be so large, extreme exercise could cause pain and the possibility of them getting twisted. (So there you go Julianne, doctor’s orders not to run. )

I made chocolate chip cookies the other night and ceremoniously ate some dough. Since I made a double batch it will be the last time I eat raw cookie dough until baby(ies) Kirkham arrives. Raw eggs are bad, you see, especially for pregnant women. Sigh. I guess it’s all for a good cause.

Stimulation Day 3

Ha! What a blissful thought that the butterflies would stop dancing in my stomach and I’d be able to sleep better after getting past the first day of giving myself a shot. I no longer worry about the shots, but wonder if we’re doing the right thing. By pursuing IVF are we truly trusting God? I mean, He made baby Jesus in Mary, so of course only a 5% chance of conceiving is nothing to Him. My thought, when we began, was that we would walk through doors as they open until we met a closed one. So far the way seems clear to do IVF. Jeremy’s insurance covers it, and I got in right away to see the infertility specialist (literally like two days after I called.), whose office is close to our house. Another worry, do we really want kids? How much money is it going to cost us to raise kids, and what if we have twins right off the bat? My nights are disturbed by these and more haunting questions. I'm sure the hormones aren't helping to calm these worries. :)

On the bright side, I haven’t had any emotional episodes yet! It is a bit disturbing to see the bruises popping up on my stomach. Hopefully they don’t stay too long. If they do, once I start taking the second shot, I’m quickly going to run out of space to poke myself! I treated myself to Starbucks today; or better, I justified a trip to Starbucks today, thinking I deserve a treat because I have to give myself injections. (Confession: it’s really not a treat, I go about once a week.)

A twinge here, a cramp there; “phantom” feelings are distracting me during my day. It’s difficult not too think about what’s going on inside me, therefore making me think I can feel things. Maybe that cramp really had something to do with my ovaries, but maybe not. Some of you probably know, when you focus on the goings on of your body, you can almost always feel something. Before we started this process, every month was filled with those “phantom” feelings. “Oh, I feel dizzy, I must be pregnant”. “I think I’m feeling nauseous, that means I’m pregnant.” “My period is a day late, I just know this is THE month.” I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the tortuous two weeks after they transfer the embryos into my uterus!

Stimulation Day 1

Today I gave myself my first shot. Thankfully that hurdle is now over with; and really wasn't too bad. It's not even as uncomfortable as having your blood drawn. The needle is small and the worst of it is the little bit of bruising I feel on my abdomen. I think I will switch sides every day so neither side gets too tender.

I haven't felt any side effects from the hormones yet, but I'm sure that will come soon. Jeremy admitted to me today that he's a bit worried about it; to which I responded that he's not the one who has to give himself a shot everyday for two weeks. :)

I was instructed to take each shot in the morning, at the same time, so I made myself get up early, on Saturday, since I do so during the week. The medicine has to be refrigerated; although I did take it out of the fridge an hour before I injected it, the IVF coordinator informed me if the medicine is cold it would sting a little bit. I'm all about minimizing any unpleasantness. I also have to take baby aspirin each day (I think to prevent blood clotting).

My next doctor's appointment is on Wednesday. They will do another ultrasound to make sure my the eggs in the follicles aren't maturing too quickly. If the are, they will reduce the amount of medicine (Follistim) I inject. Wednesday I start my second shot, Ganarelix, this one prevents my body from releasing the eggs too soon. Woot for two shots a day! Just kidding. :)

End In Sight

The end I'm referring to is the sleepless nights caused by anxiety over giving myself shots. I'm not scared of needles, but it seems kind of creepy to give your own self shots.

I had another appointment today, for an ultra sound, to check my ovaries for cysts and what not, and a blood test to make sure my hormone levels are fine. Everything looks like its supposed to. I have 11 follicles in my right ovary and 12 in my left. The first medication I take will stimulate the follicles to all produce eggs and most of them should mature. Usually only one or two eggs mature in a monthly cycle. The doctor measured the distance to and angle of my uterus so when it comes time to transfer the embryos they know what to expect. It was a little uncomfortable, but nothing severe.

Jeremy came with me, but couldn't watch the blood draw. Needles aren't his thing and he didn't want to pass out. :) There is one shot he has to give me, after the embryo transfer, hopefully he can handle giving shots better than getting them. He's such a trooper though, I'm so thankful he's on board with this procedure. He took charge of reading all the paper work we had to sign and writing an addendum to one of the forms. I couldn't ask for a better husband!

Super Powers?

One of the options we have, through IVF, is gender selection. It would cost a few thousand more and most likely not be covered by insurance. Upon hearing we could choose, Jeremy's excitement of having a baby went from 1 to 10 in no time. Of course we would pick our baby's gender, and it would be a boy. Not keen on messing with nature more than we have to, it took a lot of gentle urging on my part to discourage him. Poor guy. His imagination had gone into overdrive. My beloved husband, being somewhat of a sci-fi nerd, had already imagined down the road the possibilities of genetically engineered children that would be super tough, or even better, in possession of super powers. Who's to say it can't happen...someday? :) I promise Jeremy, if they ever figure out how to genetically engineer embryos to have anti-gravity powers or the ability to teleport, I might consider it.

Day 1

For most, making a baby is relatively simple, when a mommy and daddy love each other...For a few, the journey is complicated by infertility. Our journey started two and a half years ago. After a year of being off birth control and not conceiving I went to my doctor to begin testing for infertility. We went through another year of seeing different doctors and going through a wide variety of tests and at the end were told we had a 5% chance of conceiving on our own. It was hard to hear but we were glad to finally know the reason and be able to decide our next step. One of our Doctor's told us that our best hope for conceiving was In-Vitro Fertilization (IVF).

As you can imagine, we have been overwhelmed with questions. IVF seems to fall in a somewhat grey area. Who do you go to with questions? Who's wisdom do we seek? Should we just be open and share our infertility struggles, or keep it to ourselves and those dearest to us? What do you do if there are a lot of extra fertilized eggs? (We wouldn't want them thrown out.) No one close to us has gone through this experience. The last two and a half years have been spent praying for a miracle and ultimately, it seems God wants to work the miracle through doctors. We are extremely blessed that our health insurance will cover the procedure that otherwise would cost us about $10,000.

I decided to document the process, and figured online was the best way to share with friends and family this exciting and nerve racking experience. We are nearing the point of no return. :) I have been on birth control for almost 2 months to prevent my body from ovulating on its own, tomorrow will be my last day. We met with the IVF Coordinator on Friday, January 29, for my first medication class; starting Saturday, Feb. 6, I will be giving myself daily hormone shots for two weeks. Let me tell you how thankful I am that I do not have a fear of needles. :) I have been warned by the doctor that the hormones I will be injecting will cause all sorts of emotional drama, mostly crying over things that really aren't sad, so you all can be in prayer for poor Jeremy. :) My body should respond well to the hormones, and because I'm young should produce anywhere from 10 to 20 eggs.

My next doctor's appointment is Thursday, February 4. I will be getting an ultra sound and a blood test to make sure everything is OK before I start the injections. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous, I'm having a harder time sleeping as each night brings me closer to day 1 of injections. We are extremely excited as well; it's surreal that we are finally here after so many doctors' appointments and tests.

We are so thankful that God has blessed us with the opportunity and ability to go through IVF. And while He didn't answer our prayers to conceive naturally, we know that He can use this experience for something good. Perhaps reaching out to other couples who go through the pain of infertility.