Ha! What a blissful thought that the butterflies would stop dancing in my stomach and I’d be able to sleep better after getting past the first day of giving myself a shot. I no longer worry about the shots, but wonder if we’re doing the right thing. By pursuing IVF are we truly trusting God? I mean, He made baby Jesus in Mary, so of course only a 5% chance of conceiving is nothing to Him. My thought, when we began, was that we would walk through doors as they open until we met a closed one. So far the way seems clear to do IVF. Jeremy’s insurance covers it, and I got in right away to see the infertility specialist (literally like two days after I called.), whose office is close to our house. Another worry, do we really want kids? How much money is it going to cost us to raise kids, and what if we have twins right off the bat? My nights are disturbed by these and more haunting questions. I'm sure the hormones aren't helping to calm these worries. :)
On the bright side, I haven’t had any emotional episodes yet! It is a bit disturbing to see the bruises popping up on my stomach. Hopefully they don’t stay too long. If they do, once I start taking the second shot, I’m quickly going to run out of space to poke myself! I treated myself to Starbucks today; or better, I justified a trip to Starbucks today, thinking I deserve a treat because I have to give myself injections. (Confession: it’s really not a treat, I go about once a week.)
A twinge here, a cramp there; “phantom” feelings are distracting me during my day. It’s difficult not too think about what’s going on inside me, therefore making me think I can feel things. Maybe that cramp really had something to do with my ovaries, but maybe not. Some of you probably know, when you focus on the goings on of your body, you can almost always feel something. Before we started this process, every month was filled with those “phantom” feelings. “Oh, I feel dizzy, I must be pregnant”. “I think I’m feeling nauseous, that means I’m pregnant.” “My period is a day late, I just know this is THE month.” I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the tortuous two weeks after they transfer the embryos into my uterus!
